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Proud Mommy

There's a lot I could write in here about what I've been up to and how my life is going but since I'm short on time and there's way too much going on in my life to write it all out, I'm just going to say one thing.

My daughter can stand up by herself!
She likes to hold my fingers n go for walks and tonight she surprised me when i let go and she was still standing there. I'm so proud. I'm going to try and keep her trying for longer though. She only does it a few seconds but those were the most amazing few seconds ever. I almost cried I was so happy.
I cant beleive how big she's gotten and how much she's learned in her 9 months.

Anyway...
I dont write much in here anymore mainly because I have no internet. Most of you have my email address so I wont post it again. That's really the only way to contact me other than my phone which, again, most of you have.
Also, I've found 2 decent people I can trust and talk to about anything. People who are totally understanding and there for me no matter what. And both of them are truly amazing. I'd name them but nobody knows who they are and they dont read this.
But I wanna thank them for being the greatest support system I've ever had. In good times and bad. I cant thank them enough for all they've done for me. Even though neither of them has been there for me in the flesh, it's an amazing thing to have someone you can count on.

So...
That about covers my thoughts tonight. There's so much going on in my life. But I decided, rather than rant about it in a journal, I should just focus on it and deal with it. I'm going to have a LOT of problems in my life but nothing I cant handle. So you may not hear from me for a while. I'd just rather DO something about my problems than sit around and moan n groan and complain about it all. Talking about it doesn't fix it.
So for those of you who are curious about what's really going on in my life, you know where to find me.

A little less conversation. A little more action.

Those are the words I've been living by lately. As well as...

Be true to yourself and your heart

And a wise friend once told me...

The biggest mistake you could make is letting yourself be miserable the rest of your life

So With all that said...I hope you all had a happy thanksgiving. Goodnight!

I had to! Natalie made me!

Reply with your name and

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.

Whats New...

I havent updated in a while. Guess I should.

So here goes...
Joey and I put our 30 day notice in at our apartments because a lot of BS has come about and we dont wanna be here anymore dealing with this place. It's awful. We found another place though but we're just waiting it out. See...we're gonna get a 2bd 2 bath with a guy Joey works with. This way we save some money and wont be so stressed with bills. He already lives in the complex but we're waiting for him to get an apartment upgrade. We have to be out by the end of this month so I hope it gets settled by then.

Anyway...
We've just been going about our daily routine lately. Nothing too exciting. Shea had her 6 month checkup yesterday. She's 26 inches, 13 lbs 10 oz, and the doctor says she's really healthy.
She can crawl really fast, sit up by herself, pull herself up to standing, she says "DADA" and "NANA" but not associating it with anything or anyone yet. She's getting her top 2 teeth in. I can feel them and they're SHARP. So she's teething pretty bad. Her bottoms are coming in slow though cause I cant feel them.
Joey's work gave him a raise recently in his commission so he's making 10% commission rather than the 7.5 he was making before. So that's good. Hopefully he can get his hourly pay raised too. I guess he made "A-Team" status which means he'll get sent out on all the good paying calls and stuff. So I'm proud of him.
He just got a car from his work's auction. He'll have the payments taken out of his checks monthly so we dont have to worry about setting it aside. We'll most likely still have enough for bills and everything. We have a lot of catching up to do. When he got sick it set us back really far. But I'm sure we can get it all settled.
Ummm....
I figured out the career move I'd benefit from. I know in my previous entry I wrote about wanting to do all kinds of stuff but I figured out what I really wanna do. Something that I'm pretty sure I can handle that I'm pretty sure will pay me really good money. Since I'm really interested in the human body and how it works I decided to become a physical therapist. It's hard work and lots of school but in the end, it'll be really good for Shea.
Before I pursue that, though, I want to take one of those fast track courses for massage therapy since that kinda deals with similar things. And at least then I can still make some decent money and I'll have a gateway to what I WANT to do. And who wouldn't want to know someone who could give great massages? haha.

I guess we'll see how it plays out. I'm focusing on our move right now and getting stuff situated.

I cant think of much else going on. Just trying to save my sanity as always.

Well Shea woke up so I'm gonna go play with her for a bit. If I think of any other updates I'll post em. Sorry I've been so out of touch. You know where to find me...

Good...Great...AWESOME NEWS!!!

I'm so exhausted. Shea didn't fall asleep til almost 1am and even then I wasn't sure she was out for the night. So I stayed up an extra half hour making the bed so I could hop in and watching tv. I dont remember falling asleep or turning off the tv.
I should still be in bed making up for lost sleep while Shea is still asleep. But....I heard Joey wake up this morning and get ready for work. No...not the stupid restaurant. Black's Towing. He finally got a (hopefully) steady job with a steady income and benefits. One of our neighbors works for them and recommended that Joey go there and apply. So he did and had a good word put in. Not that he needed it all that bad, but it helped. So he now works for the towing company. It'll mean he's gone at random times during the day but we dont really need him here taking up space and time on the computer. We need him financially.We need him to provide for us like a good husband is supposed to. And he's finally working a job that will help with the bills and groceries and rent. Things that, before, we were unable to afford all at once. I'm really happy because it means I wont have as much to worry about. Just his safety and hoping that nothing bad happens to him while he's gone.
It's going to feel empty and lonely here for a while but I'm sure I'll get used to it. It's been a while since he's worked a full day or been gone for longer than a couple hours. I mean...it took some adjusting to when we started sleeping in separate beds and rooms. But knowing he's just a wall away makes me feel better. Come wintertime we'll be back in the same bed again, so I'm not worried. Yeah, I know, we have a weird relationship. You dont hear about most couples sleeping separately. But come on...he moves too much in his sleep. I might lose an eye! And he gets too hot and I get too cold so this was the only compromise that worked lol.

Blah...
I'm also happy cause now we can actually save up money to go places like out to dinner or Sea World or something. We need to have a "date night" once in a while.
Things will be changing soon. This time it's not just thinking and hoping he's going to get the job... he's already been hired. Once he's finished with his 2 week training, he'll be making better money hourly as well as commission. And his pay will gradually get higher as he continues to work there. *does happy spin*
Now hopefully I wont have to go to work. I'd love to stay home with Shea as long as possible. At least until she's pre-school age. And hopefully home will someday be a better place than where we're at. I'd prefer living in an apartment complex less shitty that has kids her age she can play with that actually speak english.

Ooo...I love Gwen Stefani. I love how she looks great dressed in baggy clothes and a beanie as well as all glamorous and hollywood-ish. She's just hot no matter what. Love her hair, her lips, her long legs. And now that Black Eyed Peas is on now...I love Fergie. She's fckn gorgeous! I would love to look like either Gwen or Fergie. Love the new BEP song. I think it has a sick beat. But what do I know?

K I guess I'm done for now. I might post something else later. I think I'll try to clean or something. That usually takes my mind off stuff and makes time go by quickly.

If you see me online, talk to me. I'm gonna need the company.

Friends Only

Due to recent events and people thinking they know me so well and wanting to cause more drama in my life because of some petty situation... I'm going to keep this journal on "Friends Only". I'm seriously sick of people that dont know me fighting for someone else. Does anyone fight their own battles anymore?

I hate that one simple comment led to a huge deal that shouldn't have even happened. Heaven forbid I wish someone well and not have it mean anything more. Some people need their heads checked out and need to think before they start rambling shit talk to someone they dont know. It's really annoying.
So this journal is now for my friends only to read since people who dont know me like to use this journal to create an argument and consider it useful knowledge.

NOTE: NOT EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON IN MY LIFE GOES INTO MY JOURNAL

I dont write in here for the good of everyone else. I write in here to clear my head and let my thoughts go. If anything I write is offensive or makes you feel like commenting negatively, spare me the trouble and take me off your list.
I have bigger, more important things to deal with than shit talking people who know very little about me. I have a right to post my thoughts in here just as much as anyone else. My life may not always be butterflies and flowers but life isn't always happy. I dont really ever need to vent about the good things in my life. *sigh* So anyway... here's to the end of this journal.

Take it how you will. I'm just tired of the bullshit that this has brought into my life. It's not worth it.

People these days... *tsktsk*

Apparently everyone knows me so well and wants to give their 2 cents about what I should do with myself. Even people who dont even KNOW me are trying to pitch in.
Heaven forbid I tell my ex that I'm happy for him. Does that grant people permission to straight up assume i'm back trying to hurt him? Or worse... to go off on me like my well wishings were something wrong? My comment was simple and to the point but apparently everyone that knows him thinks they know me and swears I have hidden intentions with what I said. It really irritates me when people who dont even know me are assuming they do based on a journal. Cant my comment have just been taken as simply as it was meant? Because thats all i meant by it.
The following is some idiot that swears he knows me because of what I've written in here...

You are the one that needs to backoff. The only reason why you posted anything is because you feel that you are alone at home with nothing to do. That makes you wonder about the past, and hence you bother Tim.

You are such a drama-queen and that can be reflected in *all* of your journal entries. Drama, drama, drama. Just accept the fact that you fucked up your life because of the constant stupid decisions that you have made and now you are nothing but a knocked-up trailer-trash without any education. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something with your life as opposed to keep seeking reassurance/acceptance from others. You keep putting yourself as the victim, when in reality, you are the only perpetrator of your destiny.

Tim is living his life, and apparently he is still hurt... and yet you come like a total bitch to poke around. Leave him alone. He never existed. Period.

- John


So apparently I love drama and that's all my journal is about. hmmm... And I'm so unhappy with my everyday life that I have to cause drama? That makes absolutely no sense to me. I honestly dont know who this person is and why they swear they have the right to analyze me when they dont even know me. Are people seriously that retarded? He says I want to cause drama because I f'd up my life? He's the one causing more drama by leaving that comment. And how the hell do I feel sorry for myself? I dont recall feeling sorry for myself lately. I'm sorry for hormone trips sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. There's this thing called POST PARTUM DEPRESSION. It happens to like 10% of women who have had kids. I just happen to be manic depressive(yes I've been diagnosed) and that adds to the hormone changes and emotional crap from having a baby.

I just dont understand people and why they feel the need to attack people they dont know about a situation they've only heard one side of. Of COURSE they're all gonna attack me for saying something... but they dont even KNOW me. All they know of me is the horrible stuff my ex has told them about me. And he's such a baby that he'll say anything to get people on his side. Come on now... this is the same guy that called my mom up crying about me. Like my mom is really going to give him any advice he can use...*shakes head*
The entire relationship with him I felt bad for even going to work because he'd make it a big deal that we didn't spend every damn second together. All I did was feel bad when I was with him. I wasn't hanging out with him enough or talking to him enough. He needed me there constantly. I'm sorry but I'd rather be with someone who's not such a crybaby over stupid situations. I dont like having to babysit someone I'm dating.

Well today has been pretty eventful I suppose lol. With all the drama that has gone along with it. I didn't realize he was that hurt over what happened. The only reason he stopped being my friend is because I got pregnant and that ruined his chance at getting back together with me. He cant even fight his own battles. He has to have his friends do the talking for him. They're persistent little bastards. Like roaches I swear. Just wont die.

Anyway... I was up all morning with the little one. I need to get some shit done today and try to catch a shower and more sleep. And I'm desperate to spend time with my husband before he goes back to work tonight. I miss him *pout*
So have a laugh at the moron talking shit and to anyone that knows me... it'll be quite hilarious.
I'm off to spend time with Shea n Joey...I'll post something for real next time.

Pointless Rambling

Told you I'd be back!

I dunno.. Just needed to vent and I dont feel like anyone online right now would be willing to listen.
Anyway...I just feel like all my friends are being mean to me. Like I've been pushed aside while everyone else is doing their own thing. I have no clue why I feel that way. I tried talking to a few different people tonight and last night and I've had similar reactions from everyone. I'm either getting ignored or given the "haha yeah" that seems so sarcastic and like they dont want me to actually be talking to them. I know I cant tell anyone's emotion through a computer and text but I'm just not feeling like anyone really wants to talk to me. So it makes the night a little more lonely. *sigh*
I'm so tired and hungry.
I had a massive headache last night when I was trying to put Shea-Lynn to sleep. Once I got her set down my head just started hurting like someone was smacking me in the skull with a hammer. Then she started crying and I honestly didn't even have the strength in me to pick her up. I was so scared I would drop her. Luckily, Joey took her for me while I took some medicine. The medicine knocked me out pretty good and made the headache go away. I was numb all over and could barely move my arms or legs. So I felt good. Joey took care of Shea-Lynn while I slept a little bit and rested til my headache went away.
Unfortunately, she didn't want to stay asleep so around 2:30 I had to get up and take care of her. Even though I still felt really out of it from the medicine, I got up and took care of her. I fed her and rocked her and then fell asleep. I woke up at around 4am with her asleep in my arms. So I took her to her crib and went to bed. She slept pretty well through most of the morning and woke me up around 6am. I'm glad I had that 2 hour nap in the rocking chair lol.

I dont know why I went through my morning but there ya have it! That's pretty much how my mornings are everyday. Hopefully my mom can come out next week sometime and help watch Shea-Lynn while I get stuff taken care of around the house. I'm desperate for help. Mostly food-wise and watching Shea while I shower or clean. It'd be nice to have someone prepare food that I can just reheat during the week so I have something to eat. Or even frozen dishes that take a minute to heat up so I can get something healthy in me.

Sleep calls. Nap time. You know where to find me.

Sweet Kitty

I was scared the cats would be jealous or be reckless around the baby but to my surprise... they're pretty good. One of our cats, Smokey, has been watching over the baby. I lay her on the bed sometimes when she's sleeping and he'll lay next to her. It's the cutest thing. He lays between her and the edge of the bed so it's like he's trying to protect her. Our other cat, Mia, is still a little scared of her but she'll come up and sniff her or peek into her crib now and then. But neither of them seems to be a threat to the baby as far as biting or scratching her. She's bundled up on the bed right now and Smokey is laying down on her butt and purring. I think his purring calms her back to sleep when she wakes up. Definitely adorable. I took pictures so I should have them posted on my Yahoo photo album with the rest of the baby pictures.

Baby Pictures

Enjoy!! I try to update at least once a week. She's growing pretty fast and I dont want to miss a week of her. Nor do I want anyone else to miss a week of her. HAHA. I love showing her off. I think she's the cutest thing ever. I'm gonna go have mommy time while she sleeps. I might update later. Bye bye.

WTF is WRONG with some people?!

Blah... Why do people feel the need to cause drama when there wasn't any there to begin with? Seriously!
I try to be nice and leave a nice, friendly comment in a journal and their posessive girlfriend has to go getting into it and telling me to leave them alone. WTF? Since when is a nice comment grounds to come back at me like I'm saying something mean? I dont get it.

I mean seriously people... She says that I'm trying to make him think about me when those weren't even my intentions. Since when did she gain the power to see what my intentions are? It was a simple comment of "I'm happy for you". I wasnt thinking "oh bwahahaha I'm gonna make him think about me!!!" before I left the comment. Come on people... I'm sleep deprived, my nipples hurt, and my child is crying every 2 hours. Like I really have the skill to think like that right now? HA! I can barely function properly, much less plot to make someone think about me by leaving some supposedly cryptic, simple message. I've got bigger things to worry about than someone thinking about me. The last thing I want anyone to do right now is think about me.
I haven't even thought about myself in a few days. I'm unshowered, my legs are hairy as hell, I haven't eaten more than 1 or 2 meals the past few days cause I'm trying to feed someone else. And last, but not least, I'm sleep deprived. Does that sound like someone who's trying to get someone to think about her? I'm too out of it to even want pity. Well... I dont want pity at all. I love being a mommy and a wife. I just hate that it's dipping into my sleep and eating and showering. But overall, this is a very rewarding task.

Anyway... with the drama bitches aside...
I basically updated by saying I'm unshowered, unshaven, hungry and tired. LoL. Is there anything else going on my life that I'm not aware of? My days melt into each other and before I know it, another week has gone by. She'll be 3 weeks old this Saturday. Time seems to be going by so slowly but I'm shocked it's been almost 3 weeks.
I dont exactly know night from day so time isnt even an issue to me anymore. I'm up for about 4 hours in the middle of the night just feeding her and getting her to sleep. Then I sleep in until about 10 or noon and then start my day which involves more feeding and diaper changing. It's pretty simple until she cries and I dont know why.
It hasn't been that long but she's getting so big already. I was always told they grow fast, but I didnt realize they grew THIS fast. She's so heavy now. It's amazing to watch her grow everyday and to slowly recognize her surroundings. She's still a lil blind but it's a great feeling when she smiles while she's staring at me. *sigh* I'm so in love with my daughter.

Well...I'm gonna try get a shower in while she's sleeping. I cant stand my stink anymore.

And one last note for anyone who likes to cause drama...
LAY OFF ME OR I'LL COME BACK AT YOU SO HARD YOU WONT KNOW WHAT HIT YOU!
*smiles*
Dont mess with mommy... I'll beat your ass.